oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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