Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
