Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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