I think scott just propositioned me for sex
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
