Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
