My sheets look like a crime scene.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
love makes seman taste better
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
