did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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