i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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