theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
