You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i dont even know how to be here
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
