A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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