I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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