Your face is a jimmy john
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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