John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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