I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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