She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
