fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
