My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
