he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
