Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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