bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
