He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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