I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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