I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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