I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
