You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
