Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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