So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
