tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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