Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
