i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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