saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
