Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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