Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think my tv is drunk
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
