you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
