My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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