I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
honey bunches of taint.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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