please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
