i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
