omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
