a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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