I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
