: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
