I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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