How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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