i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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