You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize