There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
