my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
