im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's like God shit irony all over that family
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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