chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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