So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
