he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize