Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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