Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
