From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
