She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
