is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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